Day in my Life: Part 9 – Do it Afraid

How is your trust life?

So….. What are we supposed to do when God calls us to a place that we don’t understand? What are we supposed to do when what He seems to be calling us to is so much bigger than what we know we can handle? What do we do when God’s plans are bigger than us?

The phrase, “Do it afraid” keeps jumping in my head. I think it’s an old Joyce Meyer book. Those three words haunt me because they insinuate that there are things that I will simply HAVE to do that ultimately make me uncomfortable. Maybe they’ll make me look awkward. Maybe they’ll make people reconsider their relationship with me.

Is God worth being afraid for?

This question might seem a little sacrilegious but I think it’s so valid. How are we supposed to trust a Being we cannot see? How are we supposed to fully depend on Someone who is not a “feeling”? I have wrestled with these questions and more, recently. I’ve never really been the type of person to hide my feelings from God. If I have hard questions, I ask Him. If I’m mad at Him, I yell at Him. Sometimes it’s hard for me to be honest with the people around me but never with God. How can I hide my thoughts from the One who created me?

Recently, God has been challenging the way I see Him. He has been challenging the boxes I have assigned to Him and the limits I have put on myself. Life seems so much easier when you are the one who is in control of the reins, calling the shots. If you know me personally (or maybe not, I don’t know how obvious I make this, lol), you know I absolutely LOVE being in control. I love to be in the driver’s seat (literally and figuratively) because I like having my life in my own hands. I LOVE plans. Even if the occasion doesn’t *warrant* a plan, I always have a plan A, B, and C just in case someone forgets something. So naturally, allowing my sense of control to be replaced by surrender to God was (*is) not an easy road for me.

Why is it so hard to give control to the One I KNOW created me and who knows me better than I know myself?

My sophomore year of college, God started speaking to me about giving away my gift of dance. This idea still doesn’t make complete sense to me. Why would He ask me to give away something I have spent quite literally my whole life refining and perfecting?.. But now that I think about it, I believe this challenge is not simply the idea of dropping dance and taking a desk job that will make more money, lol. I think God was trying to teach me a concept. Do I love Him more than anything? Do I care more about my career as an artist than I do about seeing more people enter into His kingdom? Do I put my plans for myself above the plans God wants to download into me?

A couple of weeks ago the answer to those questions were very much not what they should have been, haha. It has been hard for me to surrender. It has been a struggle to grasp the concept of God’s love. I have questioned endlessly my place in this world and if my life would ever stop being hard. I never felt like things ever went right for me. I thought I was being diligent in pursuing the path that God wanted for me but my life seemed to have more terrible moments than joyous ones. I harbored so much bitterness for the future. I started running away from God.

I know now that God has nothing but love for me. That He alone offers the greatest care that my soul will ever receive. However, it is hard for me to articulate exactly how I came to know this. You see, about three and a half weeks ago, a plane I was on landed in Dallas, Texas. I didn’t know it yet, but I was about to go on the adventure of a lifetime. In one of my previous posts, I mentioned Zion Dance Project. Based in Dallas, this company seeks to “provide professional dancers the space and opportunity to present faith-filled art for the kingdom of God”. When I landed in Texas I was so upset, haha. NO PART OF ME wanted to experience God but I knew no matter how much I kicked and screamed He was gonna show up in a big way. He always does when we make space for Him.

I landed in Dallas, hated it. Went to orientation for Summer Series, hated it. Went to church service after orientation, hated it. I was just so upset that God dragged me all the way to Texas “for no reason”. HA! Originally, I just wanted to go to Zion because the dance training there is impeccable. It was in the middle of the summer, so I knew it would force me to move and allow me to get rid of the lazy summer body I was acquiring. Not only that, but I was going to get to live with my bestest college buddies. (Which, let’s be honest Isabella, was the main reason I applied to go anyways). So there I was, stubborn as all get out, trying as hard as I could not to let my spirit win the endless battle between it and the flesh.

Day one God wrecked me.

I guess somewhere between the beginning of orientation and the end of my first ballet class, I decided that since I had invested my OWN money, I should probably at least TRY to get something more out of Zion than just getting in shape. My spirit knew I needed to be refreshed, I just had to surrender. On the second day, I had a teacher named Hailey Summers. I will never forget something she said to describe the way she wanted us to approach a certain movement in the combination. She said something to the extent of, “This movement should look like your own version of struggle as you get closer and closer to a surrender that doesn’t feel good at the moment but that you know you need”. Wrecked. From that moment on I decided to let God move through me in whatever way He saw fit. I was done kicking, done screaming. I was exhausted. I decided to fall headfirst into Him and trust that He would be faithful to catch me and all of my broken pieces.

Falling became fun. I started to see how much of myself I could surrender and watch how God would meet me. I started being bold and waited to see how He would show up. He of course, never disappointed me. During the first week I was at Zion, I felt like He was rearranging my soul. I felt like I was truly experiencing the sensation of being “born again”. I had no idea what He was doing or how He was doing it, all I knew was that by the end of the week I felt completely clean. The shame, depression, anxiety, and fear that griped my heart for so many years suddenly felt so far away. The poor self-image and terrible habits I had regarding my body felt disgusting instead of comforting. I was new. It was amazing. But then I was left with the burning question…

What NOW God?

The clean feeling was amazing. I had never been so full of joy, so light. I felt incredible but there was something missing. Something in the depths of my soul craved a new definition. A new meaning. A new purpose. And I didn’t have it. I knew the only person who could help me was God, so I asked. I figured as He did in the first week, my answer would come somewhat immediately, and then I would be able to continue to receive further confirmation and revelation as the week went on. But as Aslan tells Lucy in the second Chronicles of Narnia movie, “Things never happen the same way twice, dear one”.

God did not answer my prayer right away. I struggled, Monday through Sunday, through rehearsals, sermons, tech rehearsal, dress rehearsal, and three and a half shows feeling completely naked and vulnerable. Why would God leave me in a place of such vulnerability? If He knew I was lacking confidence, why didn’t He hurry and re-define me right when I asked? I’ll tell you why. I had to prove to Him that I was comfortable being at the end of myself. I had to show Him that I would go to any lengths to hear what He had to say to me. I had to surrender.

While I was at Zion I realized something. I realized that I always give up on God when I should be doing the opposite. When things get hard I clam up and go into control freak mode. Why? Why do I not allow the God of the universe to tackle the things that swallow me whole? For years I created the habit to only trust God when it was convenient for me. To only follow when I could easily see a way out of whatever situation I was in. Trusting only when I was at the top of the mountain, never in the valleys. This led me down the road of suffering from horrible depression for almost ten years of my life and crippling anxiety along with it. I went through hard things very much alone because I convinced myself that I was the only person who could get me out of tough situations. I couldn’t trust anyone. Not my parents, not my siblings, not my teachers, not my friends, and not God. Just me. And that was a very lonely road. A road I was determined to walk on until I just couldn’t anymore. I was so tired. Exhausted. I needed a way out that didn’t involve me holding myself up any longer.

I had finally gotten to a point where I was tired enough that I was willing to try something else.

God was right there waiting for me. When it came to our very last evening show for Summer Series I was completely exhausted. I don’t even think I can justifiably describe it to you. I knew that Isabella Hunter in all of her glory would not be able to walk onto that stage, much less dance, without some serious help. And that was exactly where God needed me to be. My friend Katherine told me earlier that day that, “the weaker you are the better”, and man I felt it. I was weak. I was weak and I hated it. But being weak allowed me to really put God to the test. I told Him straight up that I would not be able to do ANYTHING without His help for the last show.

And boy did He deliver.

My friends noticed that I wasn’t doing well. I don’t even remember how many people prayed for me before the show even started. I was given so much intentional love and care which was difficult for me to receive but I forced myself. I forced myself to see and notice how God was coming through for me and accept His help. As I miraculously made it through two out of three pieces in the concert I was reaching my end. I knew that God was getting me through but I didn’t know if I could physically stand up, much less dance for seven more minutes. I was sitting with one of my friends in the dressing room attempting to muster the strength to finish putting on my costume, when another girl from the program came and sat next to me. I was not really able to talk to her during the two-week intensive because we were in different classes and were not in the same pieces, but she had stood out to me from the very beginning and I had been wanting to speak with her. She sat next to me and I thought was just going to pat me on the shoulder and say, “You got this, Bella” but she met me with so much more.

God used this friend to breathe new life into me. He used her to pour into my spirit what I had been asking Him to say to me all week. He used her as a vessel to teach me how He saw me. To tell me that He DID see me, and He was proud of me. God used my new friend to give me a name for this new life I had been feeling during the two weeks. He restored me. I started bawling all of my stage makeup off. I couldn’t help it. God was literally answering my prayers AND sustaining me through a two-hour show at the same time. He was showing me His love in a big way because He knew I had humbled myself enough to receive it.

God came through.

There is honestly so much more to this story but I am grateful God has allowed me to process this part of it with all of you. I feel so complete. I have indescribable joy. GENUINE joy. Joy that I have never felt before. I am EXCITED to be put into situations that scare me and exhaust me because I know when I am at my absolute weakest God will show me His overwhelming strength. He is good. He IS good. He is GOOD. I’m convinced.

That’s all for today folks. I am so honored that God has given me the opportunity to write and share with you all again. It feels great to be back.

Much love,

Bells <3