Day in my Life: Part 8 – Forgiveness & Contentment

Just some thoughts..

This is an interesting week. I don’t really have a plan of what I’m going to write about but I didn’t want to leave the internet empty, haha. I think that I’m just going to go over some thoughts that I have been having the past couple of weeks that I think are important to consider.

Forgiveness.

I know that I have talked about this a lot already, but I don’t think this message will ever get old. Over the past couple of weeks I have observed my country collapse under the weight of bitterness and unforgiveness. I have heard the frustrated cries of people who have been wronged and the hurt that is very real and valid for them to feel. I have seen the hate in their eyes. I have felt the anger through my phone screen.

I know what it feels like to hold onto unforgiveness. I know what it feels like to be wronged by the people who should be the ones keeping you safe. I have felt bitterness. I have felt betrayal. All of it really sucks. No one likes to be let down. No one likes to feel like they are insignificant.

But what would you do if people never changed?

I have been thinking a lot about our country. I have been thinking about how it is filled with people. It makes me kind of chuckle when people seem like they are surprised or shocked when insane things happen. Human beings haven’t changed one bit since Adam and Eve left the garden. We have been having the same problems for thousands of years. There is nothing new under the sun. I guess my point is, if nothing in this world ever changed would you be able to find satisfaction? Or, if laws were passed, petitions were signed, and all the big bad people were put in jail, would you feel complete?

I fear that many people in our country right now, Christians even, are looking to find their peace in a jail sentence. They are looking for other people to validate their pain. There are many people who are so stubborn in their hurt that they are scared to live a life free of that.

I was there too.

When I was going through my struggles with depression I thought that living like that was normal. I thought that I was just going to have to live the rest of my life being depressed. Honestly, it was comforting for me. People were catering to my needs because they knew I was fragile. I wasn’t really pushed to seek out healing for months. I was actually scared of living without depression. It was keeping me going. Being sad became my safe place even though I knew it had the potential to kill me. I was so scared to get help because I was scared of all of the things I would have to uncover in order to be free from it.

This is how I think a lot of people are living with unforgiveness. It’s easy to be mad at people. It’s easy to be bitter. It’s easy to be petty. ESPECIALLY when you and your ancestors or predecessors or whomever have a very valid excuse. Life isn’t perfect and humans are not afraid to show their ugly side. Sometimes I think it is simpler to just stay mad at someone instead of going through the mental battle of forgiving them.

This message isn’t very popular, I understand that. But if everything were to be a utopia tomorrow, would you lose your purpose? Is your identity in your fight?

I am scared for the people in this country. I am scared that fighting for change will turn into fighting our neighbors. I’m scared that fighting for justice will turn into seeking revenge. When will the fight be over? Will we be in a perpetual fight for freedom? What will bring the satisfaction that leads to an end?

I think it’s funny when people think that I am uneducated. I think it’s funny when people think that I don’t understand the atrocities that have taken place in my country. I have had conversations with people who make me feel like I’m some lost puppy who hasn’t found her vomit to go back to and eat. I think it would really kill some people if they heard me say that I didn’t hold on to the hurts of “my people”. It’s not like I suddenly forgot that my great-great grandpa was a literal slave. It’s not like I never realized that my grandparents, and even my aunts, were alive before the time when black people had civil rights in this country. I will never forget. In fact, I will teach my children about it. But what good would it do for me to be at constant war with everyone who didn’t look like me or who didn’t seem like an “ally”? What good would it do me to walk into a room and have my first instinct be to look around and see if there were people who looked like me in order to find security?

I’m not committing blasphemy. I care deeply for people around me, and any one who knows me can say that. I have always had a heart for people who are less fortunate than me or who feel like they have been forgotten. I think that there are issues in our country that are very real and need to be addressed. But at what cost will we finally come to complete justice and equity? Will we have to lose our peace? Will we have to sacrifice our joy? Will we have to forego relationships just because someone doesn’t look like us?

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe forgiveness isn’t enough to fix this impossible situation…

When I was reading my Bible the other day, I came across a short story in Matthew of Jesus healing a blind man. It said that Jesus was “moved with compassion” so He healed the man. Compassion drove Him to take restorative action. When I scroll on social media I rarely see posts doused in compassion. I rarely see truth that has been soaked in love. Honestly, it makes me really sad. I could be naïve. There is probably more to life than just preaching compassion, forgiveness, and mercy. But something just isn’t sitting right with me, and I’m more than ready to talk about it.

When George Floyd died I was heartbroken. I was confused. I didn’t know how to process it. As I would lay in my bed I would think about the whole situation over and over again. I started thinking about what was going through that police officer’s mind. But then I realized something.

There is no difference between me and that police officer.

Now I know what you might be thinking.. “Oh no! Isabella, that man is a racist fool who deserves a life sentence in jail! He has no right to be walking the streets and you are nothing like him.” Well okay… but is he not still human? Was he not just displaying the behavior of those who have fully given in to their sin nature?

Now I want you to pause and think for a second. I am in no way defending this man, even though I don’t think he should be dehumanized for his actions. He was obviously grossly out of line and needs to be disciplined accordingly. But guys, are we all not sinners? Don’t we all have darkened hearts that are in need of light? Does God not view all sin as sin? What is the difference between a small child who steals candy from the grocery store and a man who takes someone else’s life? Obviously, the consequences are different, but won’t both of those individuals be separated from God forever?

I feel like our priorities aren’t right. PLEASE don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. If someone commits a heinous crime they should be disciplined. Sin deserves judgement. But what is all of the punishment and law changes and hate talk going to do if people’s hearts aren’t changed? Is not our job as Christians to preach the gospel to all nations and to all PEOPLE? This might be a controversial statement… but I think that dying and going to hell is much worse than anything that can happen to us on earth. Dying without telling even the most “undeserving” people about the love of Christ is a greater burden to bear than dealing justice on earth.

Again, I could be very wrong. I could not be taking into account all of the systems that take away people’s freedom to simply live. Maybe there are different ways to interpret scripture and maybe I don’t know enough about the Bible yet. But I just can’t shake this feeling. I can’t shake the feeling that we are so focused on fixing our life here on earth that we are not focusing on bring more people into eternity in heaven.

If someone doesn’t hire you because of the way that you look, how long will that stay with you? If someone says an off comment about your hair, how long will you keep replaying that in your mind? If someone calls you a derogatory term just to get a reaction, will you play their game? If someone says that you are fragile because of the way you were raised, will you take that on as a part of your identity?

Who is defining us people??? Who are we letting control our hearts and minds?

I’m at a loss for words now. I have a lot of things on my mind, and while this post lacks cohesiveness, I hope that a piece of my heart came through.

I’m fine with being wrong. I don’t really mind actually. But I do think that we can be a little bit better.

Who are you going to forgive today?

Much love,

Bells < 3