Day in my Life: Part 7 – Walking with God

Some of my lessons with Jesus.

I think a lot of people overcomplicate Christianity.

But at the same time, I feel like there are so many steps and commandments and promises and lifestyle changes that it can feel complicated sometimes. I also think that the different ways Christians interpret the Bible can lead to a lot of division which is most certainly complicated. There have been MANY times where I have questioned what I believe and all of the rules and regulations God seems to put on His children. I have walked away from Him a lot of times because I felt overwhelmed by my lack of perfection being so close to His holiness. So, I thought it would be a good thing to talk about this now while everyone is in a “battle of ethics” and trying to figure this whole life thing out.

I have believed in God for as long as I can remember. I pretty much popped out of the womb in church. I never remember a time where my family has had a season of not going to church at least twice every week, and being “too tired” was rarely an excuse not to go. As I grew up in church I always found myself in leadership roles or being favored by my Sunday School teachers. I still walk around church and people say, “Hey Hunter girl!” with a huge smile, like my last name is synonymous with being that one kid who grew up in church that everyone knows.

As I got into middle and high school I started to resent my reputation. I started to feel like the kids around me thought my life was perfect (which it pretty much was), I never had any real problems (which I kind of really didn’t), and that I was naïve and super homeschooled (which I definitely was lol). I always knew the answers to questions. I always brought my Bible and took extensive notes. I always paid attention and I was never on my phone during service (as much as is expected for a goody two-shoes teenager).

I felt like I built myself into a cage of Christian perfection and I didn’t have the keys to let myself out.

When I got to college I just busted the door down.

I loved the freedom that I experienced at college. I loved being able to go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I wore whatever clothes I wanted and no one was gonna run and tell my mom (@ my sister.. sorry mom). But the biggest freedom that I experienced was that I FINALLY didn’t have to go to church.

I was free.

No more unrealistic standards from the church people who knew my family. No more pressure from my family to wake up on Sunday morning and drag my butt to church. No accountability because my friends didn’t have that authority yet. Finally, I was free from the pressure of being a Christian.

As you can imagine, my life immediately became much better. No, not at all actually. My freshman year of college I was the most depressed I have ever been in my entire life. Every, single, day, I woke up sad. It was exhausting. I had never felt anything like that in my life. I would always joke with my friends that I was gonna climb up to the roof and jump off my dorm building, but I knew I wasn’t kidding. I thought about it every night before I fell asleep. I literally wanted to die. I almost came to the point of writing a suicide note… It was not a good time.

PAUSE: This is why I will never stop saying that I am eternally grateful for my friends at school.

I think if God didn’t place me at a Christian school, and if my roommates weren’t the encouraging, sweet, dependable, Jesus-loving people they are, I would not be here today. I will never doubt the power of relationship ever again. Anyways.

It was not a good time. I tried to get out of my depression by myself. I tried to go to therapy (even though it took me almost a full school year to drag myself there), I tried to sleep it away, I tried to eat it away, but I eventually just settled for being the sad girl of my friend group and left it at that.

I didn’t want to talk to God about it because I knew I was in the mess I was in because I rejected Him.

It’s really so crazy to me looking back on my journals during this time in my life. At some points I was literally removing myself as far as I possibly could from my faith, and then I would jump around in my prayer journal saying that I was going to start depending on God. I don’t really understand what was happening in my brain, I just know that I was really confused. I would drag myself to campus ministries every once in a while out of habit and obligation and also so that I could keep hiding my struggles from the people around me. I didn’t want to have to explain what was going on in my head, and I wasn’t even comfortable talking to anyone because I was just a baby freshman.

I remember one time during my freshman year when I actually went to church with my friends. I remember that I went because I wanted to make sure that people still thought I was a Christian so that I wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb. There’s a very distinct crowd of church goers and non-church goers at my school and I didn’t want anyone to look down on me. I remember going through the church doors and immediately feeling like I was home. I felt like I was home and was ashamed of myself all at the same time. I was ashamed that I was bringing all of my sadness an rebellion into a space with a bunch of happy Jesus people.

But then I started worshipping.

I had forgotten what it felt like. The freedom that is found in worship. I forgot how much I loved to sing and how much peace it brought me. I definitely almost cried. It was so beautiful… I felt like all of the shame and guilt that I had been feeling just washed off of me.

But then I didn’t go to church for the rest of the year.

I guess I got used to my “sleep in on Sunday” routine and didn’t actually want to sacrifice my routine for my peace. So, I just went back to being super sad and doing a bunch of other stuff to take my health away from me.

The summer after my freshman year I went to the Zion Dance Project intensive. I talked about it a little in my second blog, but it is a Christian dance intensive for pre-professional and professional dancers. I have no idea why I decided to go to this intensive (because I did not like Jesus at this point at all), but thank God I did. I think going to this intensive literally saved my life. I was surrounded by strong Christians, both in the studio and at the house I was living in. I was challenged everyday by speakers and friends to learn more about God and be confident in the purpose that He had for me. I was just so excited to learn more about God and to share that with my friends. It was so amazing.

You would think after this summer of transformation that I would go into my sophomore year of school all strong and confident-like but that is false, haha. I think my sophomore year of college was one of the most anxious times in my life. When I first drove onto the campus in early August anxiety latched itself onto me. The first week of classes when I decided to not participate in a certain ensemble (see my second post!) I became best friends with shame. Two weeks into fall semester I had my first panic attack (which is not fun at all). And the whole semester I was just kinda going wild in the boy department. It was not pretty. And guess what? I still wasn’t going to church.

This is the part that really shook me.

I will never forget. Towards the end of the first semester, I was sitting in my friend’s room and I just started spilling my guts about what I had been feeling for the past year and a half. I was telling them that I didn’t even know if I wanted to be a Christian anymore. I didn’t feel like a Christian. I didn’t even like God. (My REAL predicament was that I wanted to have this hilariously ridiculous relationship with a guy and I was trying to justify my guilt away. But that is another story entirely.) I remember asking, “Why do I even have these standards for myself if I don’t even want to believe in God?”. I was pretty far gone.

I was glad that I at least knew how to play the Christian game and say the right things for people to not think twice about the actual state of my faith. I knew people thought I was sad, but at least they thought I loved Jesus and I was sad. I think it was at this point when I realized that I actually hated myself. I hated the way that I was living. I hated feeling so anxious all the time.

I hated that I was so far away from God.

Was I actually happier? Was I actually better off? Did I actually feel freer than I did when I was in relationship with God?

Nope.

I was sick of being miserable. I was sick of trying to prove my point to God. If I was trying to prove a point, I proved His. Life without God just sucks.

My past two years at school compared to this summer also prove that point. I was so tired of my own solutions that I finally ran to the only Person who I knew could fix the mess I had made of myself. The only Person I knew who wouldn’t turn to shame to adapt my behavior but would simply magnify Himself in my situation.

God is literally good.

Maybe I didn’t do the best conveying it, but the last four months have been the best months of my life. Even though at the beginning of quarantine I was dealing with anxiety regarding my online schooling and not getting to finish the school year like I expected, I have come to perfect peace. Now, I probably have gone the longest reading the Bible every day than I have in the past three years. I literally just want to please God, because I realize that pleasing myself only brings sickness and dysfunction. God isn’t scared of my mess because He never even left as I was making it. The only times where I felt separation from God was when I initiated that separation.

So now, here I am. Sitting on my couch in Detroit. Getting ready to head into my junior year of college in about five weeks. I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t scared. Last summer when I was going into my sophomore year I wasn’t expecting to face crippling anxiety and then forget about God, but I think this year will be different. I KNOW it will be. This summer I’ve actually allowed God to create my heart into a clean one instead of keeping our relationship superficial. I’ve given up control because I know that when I put myself in control I really mess things up.

I also know that me trusting in God doesn’t mean that I’m never going to struggle again. Jesus actually promises that we will have trouble. But that doesn’t give me an excuse to be afraid because He has already overcome the world.

Starting this blog has helped me in so many ways. Some people may think that me putting all of this intimate information online is stupid or risky. I mean, it hasn’t always been easy to open my computer and write things. Lots of weeks I don’t even know what to write about until a day before I’m scheduled to post. But I am healing. God is helping me. I’m not afraid of my past because I know that God holds my future. I know that I have my story for a purpose.

Sure, there are a lot of rules and commandments in the Bible. Sure, it’s not fun all of the time. But no good parent lets their children do whatever they want. We are in a perpetual state of growing up. That means that we will never stop learning. We will never stop being God’s kids. I have found so much comfort in the fact that God literally only wants the best for me, even if I don’t understand His logic. And even if God wasn’t real and Christianity is a total farce, I am living my life in a way that provides me constant peace, joy, mended relationships, and gives me the tools to love people well.

So there it is. Some of the things that I have been learning the past two years. I guess a part of my testimony? Something that I really want to start sharing more with people.

I’m not perfect, I’m not done making mistakes, but I love Jesus.

I can’t wait to see what I learn next!

Much love,

Bells < 3