My thoughts on race, identity, and the gospel.
My head has been racing for weeks straight and I am still trying to translate everything that I am feeling into well constructed sentences. When I first went to write this post about a month ago I was only fueled by anger and frustration. There was a lot of hurt in my heart, and I was so overwhelmed by all of the hurt in the world that I couldn’t think clearly. I never want to communicate out of anger, so I had to wait until I had multiple conversations with God, my family, and my friends so I could begin to efficiently discuss my thoughts and feelings.
Disclaimer: You may not agree with everything that I say, and honestly I’m perfectly okay with that. I just want to take the opportunity to speak my truth as best as I can in this current moment.
Growing up in Detroit, Michigan I think is a personality trait. We have such a beautifully distinct culture here. I love my city. I always have and I always will. I honestly wouldn’t trade growing up here for the world, and it has helped shape the person that I am today. I am able to see the beauty in its broken pieces. All of the abandoned houses, graffiti filled bridges, little black children walking home alone after school, the screeching tires and house parties blasting their music into all hours of the night is comforting to me in a way. I am so thankful that this is the place that my parents chose to raise me and my siblings and I say the name of my city with great pride.
When I was in elementary school, I was outside playing with two of my childhood neighbors. It was already hard for me to relate to them because I grew up homeschooled and they went to public school, but we were kids. Kids only see what they have in common and are taught their differences by the adults and society around them. Anyways. One day we were standing in front of my neighbor’s house. My two little friends were talking about what it was like to grow up in Detroit. They were both finding solace in the fact that they grew up, “in the hood”. I didn’t want to be left out of their conversation so I quickly added, “Oh yeah! I’m from the hood too!”. They both immediately started laughing at me and snickering to themselves. One of them spoke up and said, “Girl, you are NOT from the hood”.
That’s where it started. My identify crisis was now in full swing.
Up until that point all I knew about demographics was what I observed on my own. I noticed that when I was driving around my city I would see broken down houses and when I was in bed at night I’d hear gunshots sometimes. I noticed that when I drove further north I would see children who were allowed to walk around their neighborhood alone because their parents had no doubts that they would be safe. I noticed that when I went to visit my mom’s parents there weren’t any people at church or in stores that looked like me. I didn’t think twice about it. It was my life. It wasn’t until my friend’s remark that I started to reevaluate what I thought about where I was raised. My two friends and I were raised on the exact same street block. How come their experiences growing up were so different than my own? Why did they grow up “in the hood” and I did not?
It wasn’t until recently that I realized my parents raised me in a painstakingly different way than the children around me. Lots of times people joke about homeschooled kids “living in a bubble”, but that was literally my childhood. My parents went through extensive lengths to make sure that my siblings and I only saw what they wanted us to see and hear the things that they wanted us to hear. There were a few times in my teenage and adult life when I thought my parents shielding me had been a disservice, but now I am truly so grateful.
One disservice that I thought my parents had made on my account was not raising me immersed in black culture. I lived right in the city of Detroit, I had half of a black family for crying out loud. Why was it so hard for me to identify with the black kids around me? When I was at family reunions or birthday parties I rarely felt out of place because I was with my family. But why was relating with my black friends so different? As I grew up, I felt as if I had to learn to be black instead of just existing as a person. There were movies and tv shows I didn’t watch, popular music I didn’t listen to, and jargon that I had no idea existed until I looked it up on Google or tried to use Shazam without my friends noticing. Not being privy to the things that my black friends grew up knowing was really hard for me at many points in my life. I felt like I didn’t fit in with my own skin, and there were many people who weren’t afraid to point that out to me. I learned to just bury the hurt when my black friends would look at me weird when I didn’t know the lyrics of a song “all black kids” grew up listening to. There were times that I tried not to cry or lash out in anger when people took my black card away or said that I was just “white”. I had so many feelings that I didn’t know how to navigate and I didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about them because I didn’t think anyone would really understand.
The reality is, I grew up surrounded by a lot of white people. NOT because my parents are anti-black, that’s dumb. My dad is literally a dark brown man, people. I grew up taking intense ballet lessons and being homeschooled, and black people are definitely a minority in those spaces. This fact has actually never truly bothered me, it’s just widened my perspective. I’ve been confused sometimes, but never mad at it. There were many points in my life when I would look around a room and realize that I was the only black person, but I would quickly move on and just do my best to build relationships. I didn’t want people to treat me differently because of the amount of melanin I had, so I extended that same grace to them.
I guess this is the part of the blog where I should clarify that I’m biracial. My mom and her side of the family are white, while my dad and his side of the family are black. I have never felt so blessed to be who I am more than right now. I feel like I have the unique perspective of being able to look at our nation’s situation as a whole and see the value in both “sides”. It has also made me realize that I cannot hold my identity in the color of my skin or the people that I was raised around. Trying to identify with both of my cultures equally has been really exhausting for me, especially during this time. My confidence has been fluctuating almost uncontrollably.
A relationship with God is the only thing that is getting me through this time sanely.
It has been affirmed in me the last four weeks more than ever before that I cannot place the entirety of my identity in my skin tone. I also can’t let the people around me determine my identity as it best suits them. The only foundation that will never move is Christ. The only Being whose opinion will never change is God’s. For me, that is the biggest comfort I have ever been afforded. I also have never felt more at peace in my life than right now, while I watch the entire world churning in turmoil. It has also begged me to ask the question –
Where the heck is God?
The pain that is constantly in front of my eyes from people who have been wronged and from people who take other’s pain on as their own has been almost unbearable for me. At first, I had no idea where to put this pain. I wanted to listen to all of the stories around me but I was so incredibly overwhelmed. I wanted to learn all the lingo and terminology, but that just created more confusion for me. Where was God in all of the madness? What was He saying about the racism and injustice in our world?
I just started reading the Bible.
The more hurt I was feeling the more I read the Words of God to find solace and comfort. The more questions I had the more I sought the face of God. I realized that the only solution to the problems that we have as a nation and world would be the pure Gospel of Jesus Christ. I started listening to podcasts and reading articles regarding the social and political issues in America today from people who went to the Bible for answers and guidance. I wanted to immerse myself in truth and find my foundational thoughts on current events through a strictly Biblical lens. I was feeling fantastic about all of my newfound knowledge. I was amazed to discover the relevancy of the scripture as it pertained to our world today. God is just so amazing. I was having serious discussions with my family and close friends and basing my thought structures on the sound wisdom God had placed around me. I was so confident that the Gospel was the only definitive answer to the totality of the world’s problems, that I started asking questions from my view point and posting things that supported my views.
Lots of people disagreed.
I was so confused. I had been reading the Bible and listened to Biblical scholars dialogue about the world today. I had purposely sought out viewpoints I knew I would disagree with so that I could be more empathetic towards the people around me. I wanted to push God to the forefront of whatever issues were arising. Why did I feel like Christians specifically were fighting me?
My aunt gave me a lot of perspective as we were talking this through the other day. I started crying almost immediately as I was overwhelmed with everything that I had been learning and seeing over the past few weeks. There are so many things about how the world works that I still don’t understand. She was talking to me about the immense and real hurt that people were going through that I simply could not grab hold of. She told me stories about things she had seen in her career as an educator and about my great grandfather. All of the layers of deep rooted hurt and pain made me come to a greater understanding of the outspoken people around me. I started to realize why the black community was in so much pain. I was just left with the burning question.
Why has this pain not directly affected me?
I have been racking my brain for stories of personally encountering racism. I have been constantly mulling over my life in its entirety searching for micro aggressions. I have been trying to figure out how white privilege affects my life as a mixed person. But I’m coming up short. I have been searching for reasons to be upset with ignorant white people but I can’t think of anything. I’ve been trying to identify with the fear of police officers but I have none. I’ve been trying to objectively think about systemic racism and have been utterly confused. If it is truly systemic, which means that no one is exempt from its effects, why hasn’t it gotten to me?
It’s honestly been really troubling. I feel like I’m a failure of a black person because I don’t believe that I have ever been oppressed. I feel upset as a white person when people say that the construct of “whiteness” is the only reason why our world is in shambles. I feel confused about all of the other minorities who live and function in my country but have not had entire global movements speaking about their own past oppressions. I feel hurt when I see people chanting, “F*ck the police” because my uncle has served as a police officer for years. I feel like a failure of an activist because I get upset when others blindly and angrily disrespect authority. I get confounded as a Christian when I observe my brothers and sisters supporting ideologies that are so anti-Christ and Biblical knowledge. And then I remind myself of the real root issue in our world today.
Sin is controlling us.
Lots of people don’t like talking about sin. Lots of people want to think that it’s their way or the highway and pride renders them incapable of listening to a contrary thought. I have been concerned with people (Christians especially) being so adamant about changing policies and electing different officials to run our country when sin and separation from God is what is causing all of our mess in the first place. WHY are we telling ourselves that the gospel is insufficient in and of itself to create the lasting change we want to see in our world today?
I reposted an article a couple days ago that outlined how Christians should be approaching this cultural movement and the loud (secular) voices leading it. There were people who really agreed with the article which built my confidence in the belief of my stance. But then there were also people who really let me know that they did not agree. I have actually had a few conversations with people who felt like my recent sentiments were just a sorry excuse for Christians to be inactive and keep sitting on our couches doing nothing. That honestly could not be further from the truth, and it was devastating that people thought that way about me.
I believe that God has called us to be a voice for the poor and oppressed. I believe that Christians should be the leaders in caring for the less fortunate and forgotten people in our society. I think that it would be amazing if churches started scholarship funds for children and families who could not financially support higher education of any kind. But I guess my main question is, why is the church approaching things the exact same way as the world but just sticking the word “Jesus” at the end of the sentence? Why is there no obvious difference between what my non-Christian friends are posting on their stories and what my Christian friends are posting on their stories? Where is the voice of the church?
I also think it’s kind of controversial in this day and age to say that God is the only one who can exact true judgement. It is not our job to seek and deliver vengeance, it’s the Lord’s. Humans are incapable, in most cases, to be unbiased in any way. We can never see or understand the full picture. Our ideologies, without guidance from the Bible, are always flawed. We will never understand true justice like God can. He knows all things because He created all things.
Humans will never be able to fix spiritual problems, only God can do that.
So am I being insensitive by saying that the Gospel is the only answer in times like these? Maybe I am.. But if we are talking about intersectionality, I have the voice of a black woman so I can’t be suppressed. (I don’t think Critical Race Theory is Biblical btw, that was a joke). My voice matters too, even if it’s not “on trend”. God created me the way that He did for an exact purpose and reason He had in mind. My mission is to find that purpose and walk in it. My life goal is to not be afraid of sharing what I believe is Biblical truth. I don’t want to be ashamed in what I believe in and I refuse to be.
Does that mean I’m going to stop being empathetic? Absolutely not. Does that mean that I’m going to stop listening to voices that I don’t agree with? Goodness no. Does that mean that I’m never going to have conversations that make me uncomfortable and challenge my beliefs? No again. Does that mean that I am content to sit on my couch until this all “blows over”? Nope.
My great commission is to bring Christ to my world. My identity rests in the fact that I am a child of God. I love the two cultures that I was brought up in and I believe they have value, but that is not what ultimately defines me. Every single human being that I have known, currently know, or will come to know in the future are image bearers of God and I will always treat them as such, no matter what their attitude is towards me. I will always respect those in authority, no matter what I think of them (because government is ordained by God believe it or not), and if I have a qualm of any sort I will bring it to them directly or do what I need to do during election season.
Our world’s issue today is that we have an abundance of hearts that are hurting. If someone has the root of hate or bitterness or even racism in their heart, legislation or jailtime won’t make it go away. Wishing death on them won’t make it go away either. That could possibly mean that they go to actual hell. Do you really truly want that?
Only God can change hearts.
It is imperative that we look within ourselves and take the log out of our own eye before we try to get the speck out of our neighbor’s. Sorry to break the news to you, but humans are not God. We can only look to God for guidance and direction. It is actually our honor to do so. Only God can bring true justice and reconciliation, and we (Christians) are called to be one unified body reconciled to God and God alone. We need to take action. Of course we need to take action. But said action needs to be based on faith and not feeling. On God’s Word and not the suggestions of man. We need to reflect the character of Christ, not just take on the persona of the world because it’s the easiest thing to do…
These are some thoughts that I have about America’s current situation. I am aware that I still have a lot to learn, but I thought that it was time to share my thoughts. Like I said in my very first paragraph, I refuse to communicate out of anger. I genuinely want to learn from everyone that I come in contact with and ultimately be a light for Christ. This certainly does not encompass my sentiments in their entirety, but I hope that I adequately shed a light on my perspective.
You can find my email in the “Want to get in touch?” page on my website. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns I would be honored to hear from you.
Don’t be afraid to make change, kids. Don’t be afraid to preach the gospel.
Jesus is the ultimate answer.
Much love,
Bells < 3
