Day in my Life: Part 5 – Dreaming

The importance of dreaming.

I’ve had big dreams since I was a little girl. Most of these dreams involved becoming a ballerina and being on stage forever and ever and ever. But what happens when you let your dreams die?

As I grew up I learned quickly that I needed to become more rational. I would speak with my teachers and watch videos of dancers and realize that there were hard things that I would have to overcome in order to reach my dream of professional dancing. There was a time that I thought I would have to let that little girl down because I didn’t think I had the fortitude to reach my goals. There were other things that I stopped dreaming about too. I stopped dreaming about falling in love and getting married and having children because most of the relationships that I have had were not healthy. What was the point in dreaming of a perfect relationship for myself when all of the candidates that were around me were not up to my standard? If I really want to be an artist, what is the point of dreaming about living in a gigantic beautiful home somewhere in the country when most artists barely make enough money to live well?

Should I lower my standards of dreaming? Should I settle for less than I know is actually in me? Should I dumb down my light and my gifts in order to fit the situations and expectations of the people around me?

Heck. No.

This summer I have been talking to God a lot about the dreams that I have. I have a special “dream notebook” that I got myself like three years ago. It’s funny to me that of the hundreds of pages of empty space and potential for dreams, I have only written in about ten pages. Why is that? Because I was scared to let myself go.

I have this fear of imperfection. Along with this fear comes the fear of letting people down. I was afraid that if I made my dreams known to people who were close to me and they didn’t actually manifest, it would speak poorly of myself and my work ethic. I didn’t want people to think that I didn’t reach my goals because of something that I did or didn’t do, so I did what was most rational. I stopped dreaming.

Back in my blog post about authenticity, (go back and read it if you haven’t yet!) I discussed the importance of not sharing your innermost thoughts and sincere feelings with people who were not for you. It is imperative to share your dreams with people who will build you up and fill you with hope. I wrote that because I was remembering a time when one of my most sincere dreams got shattered in a matter of seconds.

I was driving with an adult figure who had a lot of influence on me throughout my early childhood and as a teenager. I was about 14 at the time and we were travelling cross-country with each other. I had my little school computer with me (yay being home schooled lol) and I was listening to my favorite songs on iTunes. I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston came on and I was so excited. When I was 14 Whitney Houston was my absolute favorite artist and I listened to like three of her songs on repeat constantly. I have always loved to sing, and I couldn’t help myself when this song came on. I just wanted to soar through the stars like Whitney. I remember just singing a little bit of the song under my breath because it was night time and I didn’t want to disturb my driver. After I finished singing my little chunk of the song, I heard the person I was travelling with laugh to her husband and say, “She absolutely just butchered that song”.

Right then my singing dream died.

From that time when I was a baby freshman in high school, until even right now as a junior in college, I am still terrified of singing in front of people. That unintentional comment completely destroyed my confidence in the voice that God had given me. Every time I had a dream of being a leader on the worship team at church, singing on Broadway, or singing a duet with an artist that I loved, I quickly reminded myself that those dreams would never be possible. Why invest in voice lessons if you can’t sing in the first place? I would think back to the time when I was 14 in the back seat of a car somewhere in Kentucky when my voice was laughed at, and tell myself to stop dreaming.

I also had a dream of being a professional ballet dancer. I still love ballet and it was the first form of dance that I really fell in love with. I had dreams of dancing with a lot of the major ballet companies in America like most little ballerinas. I had phases of wanting to dance with the New York City Ballet, the American Ballet Theatre, Houston Ballet, Dance Theatre of Harlem… the list goes on and on. Ballet was what was right in front of me during my dance training so it was a huge part of my dream. As I was growing up, I never thought twice about the struggles of becoming a professional ballet dancer. When I was around 16 I had two guest teachers, whom I knew well, take me to a back studio and ask about what I wanted to do after I graduated from high school. I told them without hesitation that I wanted to either join a ballet company right out of high school or join a second company to further refine my technique before I got hired. This was completely logical to me and was the only dream that I had ever really had when it came to my dance career. But all of my plans changed in a matter of seconds yet again when my two teachers exchanged worried glances and almost started snickering. I realized that they didn’t believe that I could reach my goal of professional ballet and I instantly retracted that dream. I exchanged it for shifting to an attitude of only refining my technique until I figured out what was possible for me to accomplish in my artform.

In both of these examples, I let someone take my ability to dream away from me. At those tender childhood ages I learned to stop myself from using my imagination and fantasizing about what I wanted to do and be when I grew up. But I realized that I didn’t want to live like that any more. I was lying to myself and robbing myself of a full life by submitting myself to the will of influential people who let me down. In order to turn my thought process around there were some practical things that I had to do.

Forgive.

This word really sucks to me.

There were a lot of times in my life where I thought that I had forgiven someone but then I thought about them and the circumstance for a little too long and realized that I had some grudges I had been holding for YEARS. How unhealthy is that? I have to constantly remind myself that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I also realized that many of the people I was holding unforgiveness towards probably didn’t even know how much they hurt me. Why was I letting this fester in my soul? I was hurting myself and my dreams more by blaming my teachers for being insensitive instead of taking personal responsibility for my own life.

Now, I am absolutely stubborn in my efforts to forgive. I have to be. It’s essential to my quality of life. Plus, I take God completely at His word. In Luke 6:37, Jesus said,

“Judge not, and you will not be judged: condemn not and you will not be condemned: forgive, and you will be forgiven“.

When I am struggling with forgiveness, I have to remember that if I don’t forgive those who have wronged me, I myself won’t be forgiven when I mess up. Everyone is equal at the foot of the cross – equally sinners and equally extended forgiveness from our Father. The second thing that I have been thinking about is how God literally wants me to dream and reach for the stars. A verse that came to mind as I was preparing for this blog was Ephesians 3:20 and I love the way the Amplified Version phrases it:

“Now to Him who is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly more than all that we dare ask or think [infinitely beyond our greatest prayers, hopes, or dreams], according to His power that is at work within us”.

How is God supposed to do superabundantly more than we dream if we don’t even allow ourselves to dream? His ways are even ABOVE ours, so the things that we think up aren’t even unreachable! If you are walking in the will of God and allowing Him to lead and guide your thoughts and dreams, there is no need for being scared to ask for or think up certain things. We dream because our God created us to do so.

One way that we can show God we trust Him is by letting ourselves dream.

I have really been challenging myself to pull out that dream notebook and let myself imagine what I want my life to look like one day. It has really helped me to sit outside and watch God’s creation do its thing while I let my imagination go wild. Why hold back when it’s just you and a notebook, or just you and your thoughts? People nowadays don’t have hope. They don’t have vision. There is no opportunity to progress forward in life because no one is dreaming of things that are bigger and better. They are stopping where it is comfortable and taking what life gives them. I was living like that at one point but I forced myself to snap out of it. I want the absolute most that I can get out of life and I want EVERYTHING that God has for me. I want to dream.

The past few weeks as I have been challenging myself I have really never felt more free. Living life with an open heart and an open mind is how I want to live forever. I know that God wants me to dream, and even if you don’t believe in God, allowing yourself to dream can take you to the next level in life. Dreaming allows us to push ourselves to understand that we can accomplish more than we think we can. Dreaming also gives us goals to reach, which makes practical application possible.

What dreams are you hiding from yourself and the world? Who are you letting invest in your dreams? How can you invest in the dreams of the people who are around you?

I want us to really dig our heels deep into this one guys. I want us to let ourselves really hope in our dreams, to let ourselves keep expanding no matter what stage of life we are in. We usually keep dreaming reserved for children, but life doesn’t stop until we leave earth. There is always more to learn and to grow in.

What are you going to dream up today?

Much love,

Bells < 3