Keys to communication I have observed in the world as I know it.
I really hate the way my generation communicates.
Living in this day and age has taught me a lot of things. But I think the most important take away that I have had recently is the lack of simple conversational skills demonstrated by humans across the board. From my perspective, a conversation is an experience between two or more people that leaves the individuals constructed, more knowledgeable, and open to shifting their perspective. I have had some amazing conversations within the last two weeks or so with some of my friends and family, but when I hop on Instagram for a quick second during the day I see a lot of things that really bother me.
There are a few points that I want to highlight in this post that I think would benefit a lot of people in their conversational skills and are things that I am still working on too. The first and I think most important thing is this:
1. You are not going to agree with everyone that you have a conversation with.
I truly wish that I could shout this from the rooftops repeatedly, forever.
I don’t even know how many conversations I have avoided just because I am scared that the people I converse with will disown me for my opinion. Now, I know this is no excuse, but it’s still completely valid. What have we seen demonstrated in our culture lately? I think our world could be a much safer place if people actually believed in the concept of “agreeing to disagree”, or just plain being civil. I know for an absolute fact that there are some things that my friends and I disagree about. And guess what? They are still my friends. I think that it is actually really important to surround yourself with people who don’t just agree with everything that you say. Where is the depth in that relationship?
Now, don’t get me wrong. If you and your bestie disagree around core values, that might be a serious conversation you need to have with yourself. Relationships are meant to challenge you and make you better, but they should not push you away from what you believe. Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend”. If you have friends that act more like a substance that corrodes your iron instead of sharpening it then that could be a problem. But that is definitely not the topic of this blog.
I have a question… Why do many people feel like the human race needs to agree about everything all of the time? I just simply do not understand. And something that I find to be absolutely absurd, is that when a certain person goes against the grain and rebels from the “right way to think”, they are immediately ostracized for exercising their right to free speech. Here in America at least, everyone has a right to the freedom of speech. Many times I think we take that for granted. We are so accustomed to our freedom that we don’t realize in other countries people can literally die for saying or doing something contrary to what their government dictates. Practically speaking, the more freedom someone has the more responsibility they acquire. Like Peter Parker’s uncle told him, “With great power comes great responsibility”.
This responsibility means that we should hold ourselves to a higher standard of communication. If we are in a dialogue or debate with a fellow human being, I think it is reasonable to treat that other human being with the same respect that you demand for yourself and your own opinions. I understand the excitement about being passionate about a subject. I have a lot of things that I am passionate about. I think the missing link is though, we can’t forget that people could have different passions than us. And we should allow them to think differently than us with no pre-judgement. Just because someone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean they are in any way remedial, it’s just a difference.
I think a key component to “agreeing to disagree” is respect. I guess it can be debated that if you don’t show respect for someone you are interacting with then that just means that you don’t respect yourself, but I don’t want to step on any toes. I think we just need to keep our minds open to other perspectives and not crucify people for thinking differently than you do yourself. Respect, my children.
I see this time and time again displayed on people’s social media platforms. The second that someone comments on a random person’s Twitter with an unpopular opinion, a swarm of people collect to throw hate towards them. I will never understand this. Why is this the way conversations are being taught? Now, I am all for standing up for what’s right and for voicing your opinion, but again, if someone disagrees with you, that does not give you license to attack them for having a difference of opinion. In fact, you should do the opposite. Foster difference and create a safe space for open dialogue. The only way to learn about something you don’t know about it by listening.
It is important to realize that when you exercise your freedom of speech that it is pretty much guaranteed people will disagree with you, but you gotta just take that with a grain of salt. My main admonition with this point is that it is vitally important for people to remain civil when someone disagrees with them or with what is popular to believe. Your friend has the right to think differently than you. Someone you don’t know in your favorite celebrity’s comments section has the right to think differently than you. The entire human race has the right to think differently than you, actually. I personally think that disagreement should be encouraged. How can you learn from someone that you have everything in common with? I think it’s impossible. BUT, just because I said it should be encouraged does NOT mean that we should stay in hostile disagreement. I also don’t think it is profitable to be constantly bickering with people. It’s just not healthy.
Agree to disagree, and remain respectful when you come face to face with a discrepancy.
2. You can’t be easily offended.
Now that we have talked about agreeing to disagree, we need to talk about offense. When someone disagrees with me, I often have the urge to get defensive. If my mentality is being countered I want to prove to the attacker what I mean, how I mean it, and why I mean it. It’s hard to have something that you have adopted into a moral or standard countered. It’s not fun. But getting offended isn’t the way to handle a disagreement.
I think the first thing we have to remember with this point is that a majority of people do not have the intent to attack you. If I have a genuine question about someone’s viewpoints then I want to come to them calmly and with understanding. This creates a safe space for the individual you are talking to to share their thoughts and feelings freely. Who would want to put their thoughts out into a hostile environment?
I remember a time a couple weeks ago, I went with my mom to drop products off to one of her old friends. My mom has known this woman since she first started teaching in Detroit in the late 90s and she was even at the hospital when I was born. As we were catching up, she and my mom started talking about politics. Of course this is a touchy subject, and I was honestly kind of scared to see what would happen. I knew that my mom and her friend had very different political beliefs, and the recent conversations I’d witnessed between people on opposite sides of the political spectrum had been extremely destructive. Anyways, they were talking about how politicians were representing themselves and they both had very different opinions. I could tell that they were both passionate, but I was completely shocked that the conversation never escalated to any yelling, name calling, or hand throwing as I had seen displayed on social media. In fact, at the end of the conversation they both said, “I love you” and blessed each other as my mom and I drove away. I told my mom how refreshed I was because I had truly never seen anything so civil in my entire life. It was refreshing to see two woman who I loved disagree and still keep their heads on straight. They didn’t let their convictions get in the way of their relationship and left offense on the shelf. It was amazing.
Another thing that I think we tend to forget when we are conversing is that you can literally pause the person you are talking to and let them know that they are making you feel defensive. This does not give you permission to be overly sensitive, but if you want to have an effective dialogue then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to approach your partner with humility. Pride gets in the way of many things, effective communication being one of them. Again, I am going to go back to the idea of respect. The person you are talking to, especially if you don’t know them personally, will probably only hold as much respect for you as you demonstrate you hold for yourself.
3. Know the correct time and place to take part in your conversation.
Let me just put this out there. The comments section on Instagram is not the place to have a heated debate.
I’m fine if the majority disagrees with me. I would be lying if I said that I don’t go scrolling through the comments section and chuckle as people pour their hearts and souls into an argument with a stranger. It’s definitely interesting if that’s what you’re into and I’m not here to judge, I just think we can go about things in a better way. If you want a public debate, how about going live with the individual you’re disagreeing with? That way what you are communicating won’t be lost in translation. I think that’s why a lot of experienced communicators advise not having a whole argument over text. I myself have tried to get my point across while texting and let me just say it has NOT gone well, lol. We have facial expressions and body language for a very good reason. Hearing someone’s voice inflections and seeing their gestures could be what is hindering you from coming to an understanding.
With this point as well, I want to bring up that there are some times when you really should just shelf the conversation for a later time. If the person you are talking to is really not willing to come to a mutual understanding or you are losing grace with your friend, sometimes it is best for all involved to pause for another time. This is especially evident when the conversation goes in circles for like ten minutes without either side gaining any ground. People always say, “Never quit! Keep going!”, but saving a discussion for later is a tool to put in your tool belt. I always feel better having a serious conversation when I am rested and in the correct mental space. Know yourself and be sensitive to your situation so that you have the discretion of when to end things or keep pursuing common ground.
I remember one time my friends and I were having a very big disagreement. It lead to a little bit of drama and we didn’t talk to each other for a while. I was really mad, haha. Because there were a lot of hurt feelings, talking about the entire thing the day that it took place would not have been the best move. I’m glad my friends were sensitive enough to understand that I needed a couple days until I was mentally ready to talk about what happened. Each of them came to me separately, and we were all able to discuss our grievances respectfully and will time to really understand all of the feelings that were involved. Time was needed in this situation. Remember, the conversation does not have to take place right after the incident for it to be fruitful. Sometimes, that can make the situation much worse. Have peace about when to step forward and when to retreat and that will make having efficient conversations easier.
4. Listen to the individuals with whom you are conversing
Listening is a crucial part of conversations and I believe it is the most abused element of dialogue. Instead of attacking someone and then shoving your “rightness” in their face before they get the chance to say another complete sentence, how about trying to gain perspective by listening? I realize that some people comment on things to just pick a fight and fuel whatever weird fetish that is, but the majority of us can learn to go about things a different way.
When you listen you give yourself room to learn. I have been seeing a quote going around on Instagram that says, “Listen to understand instead of listening to respond” and I think that is so important. I have noticed with myself recently that as I have been listening to people having conversations I am already thinking of my rebuttal or what I would say if I was in their shoes. When my brain starts going that route I completely miss the rest of the point they were trying to make. Distraction is hard to avoid, but if we remind ourselves to refocus as we are having discussions I think that overall our attempts would be more profitable.
I know there have been a lot of instances for me personally where I have felt like I have not been listened to. This feeling leads to invalidation which makes me wans to clam up and refuse to communicate further. While both responses are unhealthy, I think that if we start to listen to each other we will start to actually learn things. Listening can be the missing link we have all been searching for. What to people want most these days? Things like government reform, equality, understanding, fair treatment, etc. etc. The biggest complaint? People are not listening. Now, if you expect people to listen to you then you shouldn’t come at them screaming because that would make them feel defensive. However, if your number one priority is to be a good listener to become an effective communicator, then most people should respect that and meet you there. If you put forth what you want to receive, people are most likely going to give you the respect that you want.
A key component to listening is empathy. The more understanding you are towards someone else’s convictions and reasoning the simpler it will be to effectively communicate. When we are having conversations, are we truly trying to understand the other person’s point of view or are we just trying to throw our own agenda on them? This is so necessary to evaluate and we need to have those hard conversations with ourselves.
Respect the people around you and don’t forget to respect yourself.
I think people are afraid to reform the way that we do conversation. But obviously, there are some major things that we need to work on. If we took the emphasis and energy off of attacking each other and put it more towards effective and constructive communication I think that our world would run a little smoother.
The main problem that I see in communication today is that people refuse to meet each other on a human level. I think some people forget that other people have feelings too. Sometimes we can be so quick to cast judgement and call names that we forfeit ever being able to have a constructive experience. What if while we were having a discussion we just took a moment to breathe instead of attacking someone? A common phrase going around right now is, “Don’t be afraid to be uncomfortable”. What if we approached communication like this? What if every time someone had a difference of opinion we stopped to listen with empathy instead of gathering all of our followers to bash them?
I know that we can do better. We need to do better.
I love how passionate my generation is, but I think that in our naivety we misplace or misuse that passion against people who could help us. We have to stop attacking the things that make us feel weird or that we think are “wrong” and run towards them instead. Being uncomfortable is the only way we can grow. No one ever said that growing pains were fun, but they are completely necessary. We can make a difference. You and me. We can do conversation differently. I think that we need to for the sake of the generations that will follow us.
How can you be a more effective communicator?
Much love,
Bells < 3
What a great post, Bella! Thank you for putting this out there.
Gracias! <3
Absolutely beautifully written, stated and concise. This is/was so refreshing to read and digest.
Well said Bella!
Perhaps you should create a new platform called “Agree to Disagree” where people can dialogue with each other is a “Safe Space Place”. Like you said, knowing that you can disagree with someone and still love them and be loved by them is so important. And knowing when to “hit the pause button” and temporarily walk away is vital advice. Thank you for sharing such profound insight. Your voice needs to be heard. I will work to be a better listener.
I’m proud of you!
I love you!
💜 Mommy
Well said Bella!! Proud of you❤️🥰