Day in my Life: Part 2 – Shame

What do you do when you feel like you’ve let God down?

This past year at school I wrestled with this exact question. Let me set it up for you.

So, in my dance department there are two different performance groups that you can audition to be in. One is called, BUDE, or the Belhaven University Dance Ensemble, and the other is, DME, which stands for, Dance Ministry Ensemble. BUDE is focused on putting on your typical dance concert. There is one BUDE show every semester and it is spread out into two weekends with a performance on Friday and Saturday. I have been through the program twice and it is SUPER tough during performance weeks. A two hour show run through every day for basically two and a half weeks straight. It’s especially difficult because the shows are near the end of the semester when tests are abundant and ever mounting. There is also an opportunity to perform at the Alabama Dance Festival if the piece you were cast in got chosen. That is one of the places that my school goes to network, audition new students, and just be seen. I have been fortunate enough to have gotten to attend this festival twice, both my Freshman and Sophomore years. Even though my school is a Christian school, BUDE gives students an opportunity to perform works that are more commonly seen in the “secular” dance community. I feel like the attitude of BUDE is very “self-growth” focused and is a little more cut throat. It is not easy to get cast in works because there are so many people trying to get into about five pieces a semester. I think the tendency when you are in this group, at least for me, is to be extremely self focused and to do your best to promote yourself so you can get cast in the best dances or just cast at all.

DME is completely different.

My school’s Dance Ministry Ensemble has more of a community feel within its studio space. There are not as many people in the group, which gives the opportunity for more intimate relationships with the students you are with as well as the faculty leading the ensemble. This group spends the first semester of school learning all of their repertoire and then start performing it in the community. They go all over the place: hospitals, children’s after-school programs, nursing homes, libraries.. anywhere that will let them perform really. Their whole mission is to lead people to Christ through the gift of dance, which is one of the most beautiful things you could ever experience. They also have one produced concert at school in the spring semester that is usually just three shows stuffed in one weekend. I have had the privilege of working behind the scenes of this production twice and it is one of the most rewarding experiences.

If I thought DME is so awesome, why haven’t I chosen to take a part in it?

That’s a good question.

When I was growing up, I danced at a Christian dance studio. I wish I had the words to explain everything that that entails, but basically, I grew up doing DME-esque things. My friends and I would learn dances, upon dances, promoting Christ and the Gospel, and we would preform them alllll over the place together. Boy’s and Girl’s Clubs, countless churches, museums, picnics, nursing homes, conferences, you NAME it, we were there. We didn’t really do many things that “normal” dance studios did, like full length ballets and a bunch of dance competitions, and that was okay with me. But I did always wonder what a more commercial and, “mainstream”, dance experience would look like. That is one reason why I told myself that if I went to Belhaven I would just take part in BUDE all four years and let people who hadn’t had the chance to experience Christian dance to do DME. I thought I was being pretty noble, but there was definitely more to my decision making. I never felt like I was called to the Christian dance scene and if I’m honest, I wanted to break out of it entirely. My first two years of school, especially my Freshman year, I struggled SO much with my relationship with God. I want to talk about it more later, but just know that this was another way I gave myself permission not to participate in DME.

I remember some time when I was in high school, a very good friend of mine who graduated from my college told me an admonition that she had received from my teacher’s son. At the time, he was a professor in Belhaven’s dance department. My friend said that he told her, “If you ever do DME I’ll kill you”. Of course, he wasn’t talking realistically, but his point was pretty clear. From that day on, I knew that if I ever went to Belhaven I could never take a part in Dance Ministry. I hung onto those words like they were golden. His comment wasn’t even directed towards me nor was it spoken into my life, but there I was planting that seed in my heart. There were times that I forgot about that whole conversation and it almost became a habit to tell people I would never do DME.

So what was I supposed to do when God told me to do something different?

In the summer of 2019 I went to a summer intensive hosted by Zion Dance Project. It is a Christian dance company in Dallas, Texas, and they just started a summer intensive program. The only reason I went was because some of my friends from school were going and I knew the artistic director. This was the summer right after my Freshman year so, remember? Me and God weren’t that cool. It was totally by His grace that I had the urge to attend and I got so much more out of Zion than I was expecting. It was almost like I fell in love with God all over again. All I wanted to do was please Him and follow my purpose. As the weeks grew closer to the beginning of school and I was having to choose again between auditioning for BUDE or DME, the idea of participating in DME became increasingly interesting to me. I felt like it was the thing I should do. What God was telling me to do.

But when I got to the audition room at school I was standing in the BUDE studios, just as I had sworn to myself in high school. I knew that I had had a change of heart regarding participating in DME, but for some reason I was suppressing those feelings. I hadn’t made my heart change known. I didn’t talk to anyone about it, I was too scared. I had always spoken so strongly about never doing DME, I didn’t want to have to explain to everyone that God had changed my mind. As I was sitting there watching the first part of the BUDE audition go by, I could not get the feeling out of my body that I was absolutely in the wrong place. Everything in me wanted to run out of the studio and fly into the DME audition, but why didn’t I?

I felt like I couldn’t. I felt like DME was inaccessible to me. Maybe I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t Christian enough. Maybe I felt like my friends who were accustomed to doing BUDE would not support my decision (because I have the tendency to be a people pleaser). For some reason I felt stuck in my habit and I was so strong in my conviction that I wouldn’t allow myself to think of other possibilities. Even though I felt that the other possibility was the way God was leading me. Anyways, as soon as the audition was over and I got cast in my BUDE piece for the semester shame immediately became my best friend. The entire school year I would watch my friends in their DME rehearsals across the hall from my BUDE rehearsals and my heart was crushed. I have never felt an emotion so strong. I thought that it would go away with time but it didn’t. I thought that if I tried processing my feelings with my friends it would go away, but that didn’t help either. I knew immediately that I had made the wrong decision, and I knew just as quickly that I would never get the time back. I was actually stuck in my own stubbornness.

Because I wasn’t able to dance in the DME concert, I decided to serve as an Assistant Stage Manager for my friends in Dance Ministry. I was so excited about this because I love being backstage during my friend’s concerts. I thought that this would be the perfect way to give back into a program that I had grown a sincere affinity for. I wanted to support my DME people not just by attending their concert, but by actually helping to put it on. I thought that since I missed the chance to dance in it, it would be beneficial for me and my hurt little heart to serve through it. I selfishly thought it would make my regret go away.

I was wrong.

The week that we were having tech and dress rehearsals for the Dance Ministry concert was probably the hardest week of my whole spring semester. I was broken…

One of my favorite professors at school always tells me when I am too much in my head that I should start to serve. That way I would realize that other people have problems too and I could invest in other’s lives. Also, growing up in church I heard repeatedly that if you were ever going through something or you needed God to move in a particular area, serve. I thought service was the key to making my shame disappear. I thought that the regret I had been dealing with for almost an entire school year would dissipate once I was in my all black outfit, flashing lights for my friends behind the wings. I thought that I could hide all of the horrible feelings that I had for myself and the people that I was “forced” to work with in BUDE behind two weeks of service. I was putting together all of the ingredients for the magic Jesus “service” potion and it was supposed to make me feel better again. I was so confused when my brokenness was heightened by service and being constantly around DME and my abandoned mission was keeping me up at night.

I will never forget the lowest moment that I faced during this time. I was texting my sweet friend who was a dancer in the DME concert. She is a BEAUTIFUL dancer, and I was freakishly jealous that she was dancing in the concert and not me. But we were texting the morning before the last concert and she was just asking if I was okay. I don’t think she actually knew in depth what emotions I was feeling. I didn’t want to tell my friends in DME how much I was struggling because I knew that that could be a distraction for them as they performed. Y’all, I have the BEST friends, and I know they care deeply for me. I didn’t want my intense feelings coming between them and their mission. Dancing for Jesus is no joke, especially during show weeks. Satan tries to do everything in his power to lessen the blow of a concert centered around the Gospel. It’s earth shaking stuff. Anyways. I was on my bed, texting my friend, feeling so alone and broken. Everyone else’s family was in town to see the concert and the only thing keeping me company was my homework and my sadness. I remember she texted me and asked if she could come give me a hug. I really wasn’t feeling my best, but I don’t easily turn down hugs. When she came down to my room I was still sitting up in my bed, just waiting to hold myself together long enough to be in her presence, and then try to sleep off the sadness when she left for her family. I was not at all ready for what was coming.

As soon as my friend walked into my room and hugged my waist, I just started crying. I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t think that I had any tears to cry. I had been watching rehearsals, helping with photo calls, joking backstage, all with a plastered smile on my face. I was trying to keep my struggle to myself. But as soon as I felt her arms around me I think I felt safe. Safe to acknowledge the feelings that I had been holding onto. Safe to let myself feel my disappointment. Safe to cry. She just stood there, probably freakishly uncomfortable because I was just hunched over in my bed, and just let me cry. She stood there, rubbing my back, saying everything was going to be okay. I think this moment symbolized Jesus to me. I was sitting there broken, distraught, terribly sad, and it was all because of MY disobedience. I think my friend figured this out, but she didn’t judge me. She was there to catch me as I was falling and to stop my fists as I was mentally tearing myself apart.

This moment really carried me through the last show and for weeks afterwards. As I continued to have sleepless nights and shudder to myself in by bed over my mistake, I tried to remember that feeling. The safe feeling. When the concert was finally over and I was almost completely removed from the situation, (reliving sweet memories from shows never really stops, DME concerts very much included) managing my feelings got a little bit easier. But I didn’t know what to do with the random nights. Do you know the feeling? When you are so ready to just hop in bed, snuggle up into your covers, and get the best night of sleep in your life, but then your brain decides to remind you of how horrible you are? There are MANY things that I have done in my life that I am not at all proud of. There are lots of mistakes that I have made that I feel remorse over. But this was the first time that I felt like I heard God speak to my heart regarding a matter and I deliberately disobeyed Him. I knew that I was suffering because of it. This experience has taught me one of my hardest lessons.

Even though there is always grace for you from your Father, disobeying God always causes pain.

I felt like I should write about this topic because just last week I had another bout with intense shame about this decision that I made in August of 2019. It was like one in the morning. My thoughts were racing. At this point, I was doing my best to lean on God. I knew that I was much more disappointed with myself than God was with me. I knew that He did not want this situation producing shame in me any longer. He is a GOOD Father and only wants good things for His children. But as I was leaning on Him and then doing my best to shove the feelings down so I could sleep, He said, “You need to text your friends”. Text my friends? About a situation that happened months ago? That they have probably forgotten about but is still haunting me? “Yes.” So, at one in the morning, I turn over and text two of my friends who were graciously walking with me through this whole situation at school. I wasn’t expecting a reply, I just wanted to get it off of my chest so that I could turn back over and hopefully be met with a good night’s sleep. Again, I was not prepared.

My friend from earlier, the one who came to my room and helped me cry, just happened to respond to my message first. I had asked for prayer because I knew that I can count on both of them to do that for me, even when I don’t directly ask. I was met with, “Aw belly yes always!”. (“Belly” is what my close friends call me and ONLY those friends lol). This confirmation of prayer was of course comforting to me. I know that I can go to God on my own behalf, but having prayer support from your friends is one reason that God gave us community. Then, my sweet friend proceeded to send me a voice memo of her praying for me. It was immediate. She didn’t wait until her quiet time with Jesus to pray for me, she acted on my request right then and there. Honestly, this action spoke volumes, and revealed even more to me about the heart of my sweet Father.

I had been taking the right steps – serving, leaning on God, talking to Him when I was facing the thing that scared me – but I was refusing to reach out to my community in my actual time of need.

The original question that I posed at the beginning of this post was, “What do we do when we let God down?”. The shame that comes with disobedience is VERY real and it’s hard to navigate. I would be straight lying to you if I said I had the magical potion to keep the shame away, because I don’t. This is really something that I am still walking through. However, the most crucial lesson that I learned was that shame hides in the darkness of your heart. It festers and thrives in secrecy and shallowness. It feeds on silence and inactivity. As soon as I told my friends that I was seriously struggling and was transparent about that struggle, it was like something inside me broke.

I like to think of what broke as the container that I was keeping my shame in. It was a beautiful glass container. Not clear glass, because I couldn’t identify all of its contents, but maybe it was a nice dark green color. This glass container had a matching top. It kept everything nice and tidy, right in its place. It gave shame the space to grow within the parameters of itself, and even let it bubble over a little bit so I could feel it. I was holding this glass container with all of the strength that I could muster. I couldn’t let it drop. That would make a terrible mess inside of my heart. I didn’t want anything else getting injured because of it. So shame stayed right there in the container for months. And then that day, last week, at 1am, God told me that it was time to share what was growing inside my glass container. He made sure that I had built trust with my community first, (gone through situations that would make me feel comfortable to share my struggles with my friends), and would be more willing to share the contents of my container. Once I gave my friends my container, they could grab it, look at it, observe what was going on, and gently take the top off of my glassware.

AH WAIT! You may say. Sharing feelings is scary. I don’t want people to know that I’m not perfect. How can I know I can trust people with all of my glass containers?! I like the way that I have arranged them all, and if other people come in that will just ruin everything that I have been building!

Exactly, my friend. Exactly. Let me finish my illustration.

Yes, I let my friend take my green glass container. That was scary for me. I was so used to holding the container by myself that I didn’t know what would happen if I let someone else hold it. Heck, for all I knew it could’ve blown up. But to my pleasant surprise, that did not happen. In actuality, my friend gently took that container and opened the top. When she looked inside, it was definitely messy, lots of yucky feelings had been in there unattended for a long time. But as soon as I relinquished control of the situation, she could look at it and not be overwhelmed. She was empathetic, removed from the situation. This position gave her the ability to carefully steward my container, and not just scatter shattered glass all over my heart. I felt like I was looking at my problem like it wasn’t just MY issue any more. Once my friend took the top off and we looked inside my container, I realized that whatever substance had been growing in there wasn’t as big as the love that God had for me. The mess in my container wasn’t bigger than Him. The amount of comfort that I got from just sharing my struggle and not letting myself face it alone has done wonders for me just this week.

I guess that is my answer. At least for this particular situation. I had gone to God and talked to Him about the shame I was feeling. I had told other people (in part) about how my decision made me feel. But telling my close friends right in the moment of my struggle sealed the deal for me. It gave me the freedom to look past myself and take comfort in the fact that this one decision didn’t ruin my entire life. My life is actually far from over. If I hadn’t made the decision to do BUDE instead of DME this past school year, I wouldn’t of even been able to learn this lesson. Of course, doing what God says the FIRST time takes away the potential for shame in disobedience, and I know that now. His ideas are always the best ideas. I think my school year would have looked a lot different if I had chosen to do DME. I would have been more peaceful, and definitely more fulfilled. But I can’t live my life regretting this mistake. The next time I come face to face with a decision to lay down my pride and follow God, I will have experience as my teacher instead of just my will to submit. And the next time shame tries to creep in to those secret places of my heart, I know that I not only have God to lean on, but my community as well.

God is good basically. That’s the lesson. God is the answer, even if it doesn’t seem direct at the time. He used the friends He gave me to bring about the healing in my heart that I was blocking from myself. The only way to learn is by living, and unfortunately, making mistakes is an unavoidable part of that. But God knows that we can’t do life by ourselves. That’s why He gave us, most importantly, Himself, and He ALSO gifted us people to do life with. I know that I am forever grateful for my sweet friends. Especially these two that I can text at all hours and who will just pray for me on the spot. I have really been blessed beyond measure.

I hope this story helped you! And if not, I hope it was at least a tiny bit inspiring. You can talk to me in the comments! I love feedback and answering questions! : )

Until next time!

Much love,

Bells < 3